


Hindsight

by gublerology



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Garcia still works for the BAU, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27943919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gublerology/pseuds/gublerology
Summary: (Post S15) In which Spencer is killed on a case and Derek must confront the fact that he'll never be able to tell him how he felt.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> leave any requests for fics or concepts in the comments !! love u

Derek knew something was wrong as soon as he saw who was calling him at 2am on a Tuesday night. Penelope Garcia would NEVER be awake at this hour unless it was for an emergency.

"Babygirl, what's up?" Derek yawned into the phone as Savannah began groggily stirring beside him, muttering something about going back to bed.

"D-Derek.."

The choked sob over the line had him wide awake and sitting up in a flash. 

"Penelope what happened?" he asked, shaking the tired from his voice.

Savannah was sitting up beside him now, rubbing her eyes and staring at him in confusion, no doubt wondering who was calling him at such a time.

"It's.. It's Spencer. The team was on a case and he.. he-" she began weeping again and a chill ran down Derek's spine. Oh no. No no no no no.

His heart was pounding in his ears, practically drowning out all other sounds as he forced himself to speak. 

"What happened?" he choked out. He didn't recognize his own voice.

"I'm not even sure, they all said it happened so fast but he.. he took off his vest."

_"Damnit, Reid, I said keep the vest ON!" ___

__Morgan's own words to Reid many years ago rang through his head, when he'd watched him get on that train to save Elle._ _

__"Derek they think.. they think he did it on purpose." she broke into a sob as the words left her mouth, but Derek hardly noticed as his phone fell to the floor and his breathing grew heavy. With every heartbeat he heard in his ears, another image of Spencer flashed threw his mind._ _

__His first day at the BAU, slicked-back hair and stern but jumpy expression. His bloody head and scared eyes when they'd found him after Hankel. Him laying in the grass with a bloody leg after taking a bullet for that doctor. His mischievous smile on the jet when he'd successfully pranked Derek. His foggy eyes as he laid dying in the ambulance after being shot in the neck. His sad smile and tear filled eyes as he watched Derek walk out of the BAU for the last time._ _

___Bring it, pretty boy. I'll be waiting for you. ____ _

_____I'll be there. ____ _ _ _

______Savannah was shaking him. He could feel her dainty hands on his shoulders and the faint sound of her worried voice somewhere in the distance, but none of it mattered. Not even a little, because now he had finally been able to admit the truth to himself about his pretty boy._ _ _ _ _ _

______Derek had loved Spencer, and now he would never get the chance to tell him._ _ _ _ _ _

______\- - - - -_ _ _ _ _ _

______Derek would've loved to say he honored the memory of his former best friend with strength and pride, that he gave a long and heartfelt speech at his funeral and watched with satisfaction of Spencer's goals as he was lowered into the ground. He would've loved to say all that were the truth. But it wasn't._ _ _ _ _ _

______The truth was he hardly spoke a word at his funeral, even to his former teammates whom he hadn't seen in years. He walked around with Savannah like a zombie, looking at everything and anything besides the lifeless body of the man he loved._ _ _ _ _ _

______Spencer had been shot four times, all in the chest, so the funeral was able to be open casket. And when Derek finally did get the courage to go up and pay his respects, his heart nearly fell out of his chest._ _ _ _ _ _

______It'd been a long time since he'd seen Spencer, Derek knew that. But he wasn't ready for just how different the kid looked._ _ _ _ _ _

______His hair was fluffy and curly, much more so than he'd ever seen it before. Spencer never used to grow facial hair, but now there was a little bit of scruff that matched the soft brown color of his locks. He had several more pounds of muscle which were visible even through the tailored suit, and Derek realized with a start that he looked so different because he was no longer a kid._ _ _ _ _ _

______His pretty boy had grown up without him, and all that did was make the guilt coursing through Derek's veins grow stronger._ _ _ _ _ _

______The part that bothered him the most was how calm and peaceful the younger man looked, like he was in such a sound sleep that if Derek brushed his fingers against his cheek he would stir softly as if he were having a pleasant dream._ _ _ _ _ _

______It angered Derek. He'd seen hundreds of dead bodies and none of them looked asleep, they just looked dead. Dead and cold. So why did Spencer look so damn content in a casket with the warm breeze blowing through his curls? Why was it sunny and not raining? Why the _fuck _did he take off his goddamn vest!___ _ _ _ _ _

________Derek felt all the pain and anguish he'd pent up over the last few days begin to rise to the surface. He knew it was only a matter of minutes before he broke down completely, so without a second thought he shook Savannah off his arm and pushed through the crowds of people. Everything was a blur, in fact he made it all the way back to his hotel room before he realized he'd just ditched Spencer's funeral._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Oh, what does it matter? He's fucking dead! If any of these people really knew Spencer they would know that he would've hated such a fuss! ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Derek locked himself in the bathroom and gripped either side of the sink with his hands as he tried to calm himself down. But he knew it was no use._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Broken, painful sobs began to rack his entire body. They were soundless and each one left him shaking, but he let them take over as the thousands of good and bad memories he had with Spencer took over his mind. Sitting next to each other on the jet while he listened to music and Spencer read, playing cards with him in the bullpen when they finished their paperwork, teaching him how to play baseball as the sun rose over the trees.._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Please come back, _he thought, _Please. I need you. ______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________His thoughts had no answer, but a comforting breeze flowed through the open window and began to steady Derek's breathing. When he felt a presence behind him, he knew better than to turn around. And after a few minutes of silence he spoke._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Why?" he asked. His voice was hoarse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The air was quiet for a moment, and though he was expecting it, the voice that finally rang out sent a shiver down his spine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"You know why."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Slowly, Derek raised his head to look in the mirror. His breath hitched at the sight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Behind him, with a seemingly silver glow, stood the familiar tall frame of Spencer Reid. He was a mix between the kid Derek had known and the man he'd seen in the casket, stronger with curly fluffy hair and scruff like he'd seen but wearing a sweater vest and black converse instead of a tailored suit. He looked healthy and youthful as though all the years of trauma and worry had disappeared from his past._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________This was the Spencer Derek had always dreamed of seeing. Happy, strong, and wearing a big smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Derek didn't know whether to grin at seeing him so happy, or cry because he was so overjoyed at being dead. He knew the following words were selfish, but he couldn't stop himself from speaking them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"How could you leave me? After everything? You chose to die." Derek's voice shook with both anger and hurt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"To be fair, you left me first."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Derek whirled around, expecting Spencer to look mad, but he had a teasing smile on his face. It pissed him off even more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"That's not the same thing, Reid! Not at all! You could've come visited me whenever you wanted, I don't even.. I don't have that option!" Derek squeezed his eyes shut as tears rolled down his face. He took a shaky breath and spoke the next words much more quietly. "I'll.. I'll never get to tell you how much I love you."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It was silent for a few moments, but then Derek felt a hand on his shoulder. A feeling of warmth and safety flooded his whole body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Things were.. they were too complicated here, Der. We never stood a chance. I never stood a chance."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Derek slowly opened his eyes. Spencer's face had a sad and timeless expression on it, one of someone who seemed as though they'd lived a thousand lifetimes of grief. Which in a way, he had._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"How could you say that?" he asked quietly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Because it's the truth," Spencer sighed. "This world, this universe.. you and I never would've happened. It never would've played out that way. And I was so tired, Derek. Not of waiting for you, I gave up on that dream long ago. I was tired of living every day in constant pain and fear of who I've become. When I saw the chance to save the unsub's next victim and end my own suffering, well. It wasn't much of a contest, was it?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Derek slowly turned back toward the mirror, his heart still racked with pain and guilt as he placed his hand on top of Spencer's._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Am I ever going to see you again?" he asked in a strained voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Spencer leaned forward and rested his chin on both of their hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Bounded through space and time, remember?" his voice was soft as silk. "Don't worry, you aren't getting rid of me that easily."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________A choked laugh came through Derek's tears. He let his eyes close, and another warm breeze floated through the room and took the pressure on his shoulder with it. He didn't need to look to know that Spencer was gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He felt slightly better knowing that Spencer was finally free of all that pain, and deep down he knew he was right. Them being together wasn't in the cards, at least not in this world. They had 500 years and a million other universes to make it work._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They would see each other again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
